If you are a woman I am sure you have either heard about, or experienced, someone sharing their opinion on this huge issue with you. Often this sharing is accompanied by very hurtful words, and occasionally even shouting. It has created a divide between women world wide and has caused more hurt and insecurity than anyone could ever have imagined. 

 

I vividly remember a dear friend insisting that I was making a terrible mistake when I gave up my part time job as a personal assistant. She insisted quite strenuously, in writing, that I was being very silly and that I would regret it. She could not understand that the pressure the job was putting me under, combined with the pressure of running a home, being a mother, corporate wife and also a long distance caregiver to my parents, was simply too much. I was devastated by what she wrote to me.

 

I watched, quite helplessly, at a cocktail party as a successful working  mother was lambasted by two other women who had given up their careers to have children and be stay at home moms. She was told she was neglecting her children, that she would regret it, and finally, that she was selfish. 

 

I have overheard conversations in the school yard where stay at home moms suggested to their working counterparts that their children were probably missing out, and that they would regret having a career and “neglecting” their children. 

 

In my research I have come across women who have given up their careers to raise their families, only to be accused by former female colleagues of letting themselves go and / or “losing their edge”. 

 

And I have been asked “Are you not bored?” at least a hundred times, as have most other professional housewives.

 

Of course, it is the working woman versus housewife debate I am referring to here, and I am of the opinion that it is time the arguing stopped. 

 

It is bad enough that women are attacked by society for their choices, but the fact that we women attack our fellow women is inexcusable. There is no conclusive proof that children of working women are less happy, healthy or successful than those raised by a stay at home mom. Equally, there is no reason a stay at home mom should be made to feel inadequate for giving up her career. We do not all have to be the same or do the same things, and sometimes opinions really ought not to be shared. 

 

We are bombarded by conflicting opinions on this very emotive subject via books, the press, governments, religious organisations and our families and friends.  It’s enough to make anyone feel insecure and inadequate, no matter what side of the fence they are on.  Having said that, I believe that these hurtful opinions are often born of our own insecurities.  Jealousy, fear and the need for control are often the root causes.  Some working mothers assuage their guilt (which they ought not to be feeling in the first place) by attacking their stay at home counterparts. Some housewives gossip about working women and speculate on how having a working mother might affect a child. Childless working women agonise about their biological clocks and wonder if they ought to have children before it is too late, not for their own sakes, but because of what family and friends say. Can we not support our sisters instead of tearing them down? 

 

We are all going to have those “what if” moments that make us squirm. What if I had not given up my job?  Should I have taken this promotion now it means I’m working longer hours and don’t have as much time with my kids?  Should I have gone back to work earlier? Does my baby miss me?  Am I turning in to a frumpy, stereotypical housewife? Does my husband wish I was at home more / worked outside the home to help with expenses? Is any of this worth it? But these “what if” moments are simply our own negative thoughts trying to sabotage us. 

 

If you want or need to work outside the home, then you should do so, without guilt, whether you have children or not.  Equally, if you want to (and are able to) give up your job and be a full time housewife, go for it. Again, there should no guilt or fear attached to this decision. If a combination of housewifery and career outside the home works better for you, then choose that option. The only thing we should not do – or allow anyone else to do – is offer hurtful opinions about how you or other women should be leading their lives. 

 

Finally, just because someone decides to be a professional housewife does not mean she has checked her brain at the door. Contrary to popular belief, running a home and/or raising children does not turn your brain to mush.  It gives you a skill set you simply cannot obtain anywhere else, and the women who have gone on to start businesses and have meteoric career rises after their children have left home are proof positive of this. Professional Housewives do not get bored. Frankly, we do not have time to be! If we did, we would spend that time doing something for ourselves for a change. Furthermore, being a corporate wife does not mean that you are subjugating yourself to your husband or allowing yourself to be turned into a “Stepford Wife”. It means that you are working with him as part of a team for your common benefit (and the benefit of your children, if you have them). We all have different dreams and aspirations. For some women that involves a career and for some it does not. 

 

We cannot know what makes another woman tick, or what her deepest dreams and desires are. We also cannot know what is best for her, or for her family.  It’s time we stopped sharing destructive opinions and tearing each other down.  Most of all, it’s time the housewife versus career woman debate is laid to rest forever.